Counseling Center

Family and Childhood Issues

When problems and circumstances such as parental alcoholism, mental illness, child abuse, or extreme parental rigidity and control interfere with family functioning, the effects on children can sometimes linger long after these children have grown up and left their problem families. Adults raised in dysfunctional families frequently report difficulties forming and maintaining intimate relationships, maintaining positive self-esteem, and trusting others; they fear a loss of control, and deny their feelings and reality (Vannicelli, 1989).

WHAT IS A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with healthy family functioning. Most families have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent's serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis passes. In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children's lives.

WHAT GOES WRONG IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES?

Deficient Parents - Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers.

Controlling Parents - Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which this is necessary.

Alcoholic Parents - Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next. Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is usually nonexistent.

Abusive Parents - Abuse can be verbal, physical, or sexual. Verbal abuse - such as frequent belittling criticism - can have lasting effects, particularly when it comes from those entrusted with the child's care. Criticism can be aimed at the child's looks, intelligence, capabilities, or basic value. Some verbal abusers are very direct, while others use subtle put-downs disguised as humor. Both types are just as damaging.

HOW MIGHT I BE AFFECTED?

Adults raised with family dysfunction report a variety of long-term effects. The following questions may help you assess your own situation. Answering "Yes" to these may indicate some effects from family dysfunction. Most people could likely identify with some of them. If you find yourself answering "Yes" to over half of them, you likely have some long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family. If you find yourself answering "Yes" to the majority of them you might consider seeking some additional help.

Do you find yourself needing approval from others to feel good about yourself? Yes_____ No _____
Do you agree to do more for others than you can comfortably accomplish? Yes_____ No_____
Are you perfectionistic? Yes_____ No_____
Or do you tend to avoid or ignore responsibilities? Yes_____ No_____
Do you find it difficult to identify what you're feeling? Yes_____ No_____
Do you find it difficult to express feelings? Yes_____ No_____
Do you tend to think in all-or-nothing terms? Yes_____ No_____
Do you often feel lonely even in the presence of others? Yes_____ No_____
Is it difficult for you to ask for what you need from others? Yes_____ No_____
Is it difficult for you to maintain intimate relationships? Yes_____ No_____
Do you find it difficult to trust others? Yes_____ No_____
Do you tend to hang on to hurtful or destructive relationships? Yes_____ No_____
Are you more aware of others' needs and feelings than your own? Yes_____ No_____
Do you find it particularly difficult to deal with anger or criticism? Yes_____ No_____
Is it hard for you to relax and enjoy yourself? Yes_____ No_____
Do you find yourself feeling like a "fake" in your academic or professional life? Yes_____ No_____
Do you find yourself waiting for disaster to strike even when things are going well in your life?
Yes_____ No_____
Do you find yourself having difficulty with authority figures? Yes_____ No_____

Help at SIUC

Counseling Center, Student Health Building, Room 253. Offers groups for survivors of dysfunctional families.
Wellness Center, Alcohol and Other Drugs Program, offers groups for Adult Survivors of Alcoholics. Student Health Building, first floor. The program also offers recovery groups and individual counseling for students struggling with alcohol and drug issues.

Help in the Carbondale Community

Al Anon Family Groups
Self-help support group for family members of alcoholics.
Codependents Anonymous
Self-help support group.

Links to Additional Resources

REFERENCES

Vannicelli, M. (1989). Group psychotherapy with adult children of alcoholics: treatment techniques and countertransference. New York: Guilford Press.

Adapted from KansasStateUniversity Counseling Services
Originally written and developed in 1993 by Sheryl A. Benton, Ph.D., Counseling services; updated and modified for the internet in 1997 by Dorinda J. Lambert, Ph.D.

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